Mamma

In the mornings Mattias comes into bed with with me for a snuggle (and sometimes some more sleep) before we get up.

This morning he looked at me and said "Mamma."

My heart melted. My heart leapt. The two of us in that room, the only people in the world. It was the most profound speech ever made.

And then I knew who I was.

Since Mattias was born, when I see women have babies on television and they are handed their newborn baby for the first time, and they look at each other and she becomes a mother, I struggle not to cry. I never had that moment. I went to sleep pregnant and woke up not. Alone.

I didn't meet Mattias for four hours. I barely remember holding him, I have a snapshot image of Mr T pushing the crib through the door and feeling a flood of relief that they had finally brought him to me. Mr T and the nurse handed him to me, one on either side, weaving him through the spiderweb of wires and tubes I was nestled in and supporting him while I held him. I held this little baby in my arms and asked Mr T what his name was.

He said "I think it is Mattias Jack."

He was a complete stranger to me. I thought I should know who he was, this person I had shared a body with. But I didn't, he was completely unknown to me.

I had read about that moment when you are given your baby and they feed for the first time and it is almost automatic, this nuzzling into their mother's body seeking nourishment and comfort in a scary new world.

He rejected me wholeheartedly and would scream in fury when they brought him to me for feeding. I remember a deep irrational hatred for one of the nurses because I was convinced he had bonded with her and liked her better than me. Those first few days I barely saw him.

And so this morning, I had my mother moment. The moment I will replace those memories with. The moment I will think of when hearing other peoples birth stories.

I have a son who loves his mother.

He is so affectionate these days. Just constant cuddles and diving into my shoulder when I hold him (with his teeth, I have a bite bruise). He was with his grandparent's for four hours on Sunday and he was very happy and chatty when we picked him up and she said he had been that way all day. I felt a little miffed that he hadn't missed me at all, but the rest of the day he was so loving and just kept cuddling me and reaching out to touch me and smiling adoringly - I knew I had been missed, he is just happy and secure enough to still be happy when I am not around.

I see the way I feel about him reflected in his eyes when he looks at me.

He is such a happy baby. We have so much fun together. Today he kept looking at me and breaking into giggles, which made me laugh, which made him laugh more. Last week we visited family for a birthday and he was in great form and everybody kept commenting on how happy he was, how chatty. "But he doesn't cry!" they exclaim. He had his supper there in front of everyone, a captured audience, and they were so impressed at his concentration and application to the job at hand.

Perfection.